I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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