yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
