if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
