ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
