I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
