was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
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I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
my liver is dry heaving
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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