I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
