All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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