I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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