Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
