Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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