I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
