It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
