if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Boobs speak an international language.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
