You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
