I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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