The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
