weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
