Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
