guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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