Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
