Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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