I swear she didn't look like that last week.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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