he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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