i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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