mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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