I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
