he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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