Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
