I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
