i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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