I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
