I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
