Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
