I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
