What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
