Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
