I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
