when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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