she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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