Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My dick has a subreddit
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
