i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
