I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
