God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
