I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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