dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
