I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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