i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
