in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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