you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
