You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
True strength comes from lack of pants
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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