Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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