Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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