It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
