Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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