There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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