just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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