so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
